The passing parade
On April 25, the Oklahoma Election Board ruled that state Rep. Sean Roberts, who is running for labor commissioner, cannot be listed on the ballot as “The Patriot,” as he had hoped to be, KFOR-TV reported. “I’m not surprised they ruled I had to change my name,” Roberts said. “Back in my area, in the grassroots, I’m generally known as The Patriot.” He claimed between 200 and 600 people know him by that name. Roberts’ opponent and current labor commissioner Leslie Osborn said Roberts has appeared on seven previous ballots as Kevin Sean Roberts or Sean Roberts, and that he is not generally known as The Patriot. Roberts is considering appealing the decision.
Crash collector
Everyone needs a hobby. Christina Warren is a busy software developer, but in her free time, she collects the swag of epic corporate failure: from Enron to Fyre Festival to her latest acquisition, a PopSocket branded with the CNN+ logo. NPR reported that Warren isn’t interested in milquetoast meltdowns. She wants stuff from the companies that made a big splash and then sank to the bottom of the barrel. “I’m looking at the ones that were flying high, too close to the sun,” she said, which “makes it funnier to be out someplace wearing a shirt from one of those things.” But she doesn’t want to spend more than $75 on any one item. She avoids counterfeit merchandise, and said her “white whale, the thing I haven’t been able to obtain yet, is something officially from Theranos. I would even take a pen, you know, like a ballpoint pen.”
Squirrel!
A 78-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was unable to get a good grip on a squirrel that was attacking him on April 26, possibly because the squirrel was “eating his hand,” according to Slidell police. KATC-TV News reported that the man was trying to choke the squirrel, who inflicted “significant injuries” on the victim. (He is expected to make a full recovery.) Police said the man was walking around outside when the varmint came at him from the direction of the roof without any provocation. In a prescient pre-scold, police said while the story might sound funny, the incident was serious. So stop laughing.
– ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION
